A handful of people already know, but for those of you who don't... I've got a little confession. I'm not a girl... not genetically anyways. In my mind and in my heart I am... though I would never transition (sex-change). Why? I'm happy with my duality. It's quite fun playing metaphoric beach Volleyball with your ying and yang. I'm a handsome boy and I'm servin' fish as a girl (serving fish is a term used in drag culture to refer to a queen that has a very feminine appearance) -- if you can pull off both at the same time, why not?? Some would call me Transgendered (or Bi-gendered?) -- and for a while I was going with the label of Gender-fluid. What I and those like me are, is truly hard to define by labels only.

Gender Fluid is a gender identity best described as a dynamic mix of boy and girl.

A person who is Gender Fluid may always feel like a mix of the two traditional genders,

but may feel more boy some days, and more girl other days. Being Gender Fluid has nothing to do with which set of genitalia one has, nor their sexual orientation. "No, I'm not a boy, and I'm not a girl either. I am gender fluid."

Another fitting title would be Female/Doll illusionist, which I've been embracing a lot lately. I'm a boy... but when I step into the role of girl... I am girl. I've trained my voice to sound more female... my brain waves are more in line with female... I take my femalehood seriously. All my close friends even say, when I'm in that mindframe, I'm all female.

There are those who would immediately say "Ew, that's a dude... it has a penis." --- and certainly I don't care. Everybody starts off female in the womb and then only a chromosome or lack of determines what you'll end up once you've popped out. I love myself, I love feminity. Androgyny is embraced and admired in mainstream cultures like Japan and Thailand... there are Transgendered Pop Singers in Korea even. I've always said my main influence is Mana Sama, a Japanese visual kei musician who plays the part of female but is a hetereosexual male (that's big in Japan). It wasn't until these discoveries on my journey did I finally see I could be praised for what I am, instead of feeling like a freak of nature.

I've been on a lifelong path discovering myself, and still have a long ways to go. Through the course of my journeys I've meet some incredible people who've helped me to better understand myself... whether it be in the Fetish community, in the Drag Illusionist community and of course Gay/Transgendered community. I guess you could say I started out as a crossdresser... at the tender age of 10. But it became more than that... feminity became a big part of me and continues to define who I am. It's no longer a lifestyle, it's a life. There are days were I do question myself... my true gender... my sexuality... but then I k.i.s.s myself (keep it simple stupid)... and realize to just focus on being happy and the universe will fall into place.

I don't claim to be some sort of gender-activist, because I'm not... and admittedly there are a lot of crossdressers/TGs out there who creep me out (again, I take my feminity seriously). I guess that's why I don't find myself comfortable mingling with certain crowds. Though more power to them. In the end, it's all about doing what makes you happy as long as it's safe, sane and positive. I have bi-curious tendencies... but in the long run I hope to find the girl of my dreams who will love me for all that I am and that's my choice to make, and everyone should be able to make their own choice. It was hard holding in my true self and managing a love life... but now opening up and being true to myself will lead me to my rightful destination. Always be true to yourself but as my older brother once told me.. "Find yourself, but don't lose yourself." I'm not a boy, I'm not a girl... I'm just Desire Doll and in the immortal words of Rupaul: "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else? Can I get an amen?" -- AMEN.